That's the way it happened back then; it could happen again. [Tags: Lance. Closed]

S'dric had just spent an afternoon with his children and taken them back to their fostering mothers for snacks and activities with the other children of the Weyr. Now that he was alone, the Brownrider sat with his guitar plucking with a pick at its strings. The sound softly filled the room with a slightly mournful air.

So many thoughts had filled S'dric's head since the Flight of two greens that led Nicath to compete in a mating flight again. The entire ordeal had led the Brownrider into a maze of complex feelings; not just about Tasha, but pertaining to his ex weyrmate as well.

For whatever reason, S'dric had felt some need to protect his cousin's friend, the Greenrider Tasha, during her Maiden Flight. But... S'dric held no ownership over her, no romantic interest in her, no previous depthful relationship with her that might have spurred him on to want to do so. At least not that he'd realized? Of course, it was easy to blame the intensity of feelings on the fact that Nicath had been more than ready to participate in a mating flight for several months now, but his Rider had kept him from it.

Thinking back on it, Nicath's feelings had been intense. But that still left him to wonder just how deep his own feelings were? It had been a long time since he's been with a woman, having put aside any thought of such complex relationships, thinking that he was still not ready to handle it... Losing his ex Weyrmate to a mating flight that had taken a turn from the worst had left him afraid to Fly, and afraid of a lot of things, for quite a while.

S'dric wondered if perhaps Tasha's situation somehow roused that want to protect his past lover -the mother of his children. If he could protect her in the sky, win her flight, then he might somehow be redeemed from what he'd failed to protect in the past. Likewise, perhaps that is why he made himself give Tasha's flight up in the end. If he'd continued competing for her, wouldn't she just end up hurt in the end? Just like his lost lover? That's how it had happened back then... and it could happen again.

So, S'dric sat in this atmosphere of somberness, all of these things taking their turn flitting about in his head; and none of them with any apparent easy resolution.

Thoughts spun through her mind as she made her way to visit with her cousin. She didn't really know what to think or feel. The flight had revealed things about herself she had never openly admitted. She was afraid of intimacy. Not even just avoid-ant, fearful of it. What would she do next time? N'kyr had been good enough to understand. He was as much new and afraid of it as she was. For that she was grateful. Ramirath didn't seem to take much interest in flights for the most part. Not that anyone else would have mistreated her.

Lance had never felt so vulnerable. There were so many things she needed to get off of her chest. But first, she needed to assess how S'dric was faring. He seemed detached directly after the flight, which she kind of expected given that he hadn't flown after anyone since his weyrmate's death.

The music coming from his weyr, spoke volumes. He was obviously not himself. All the more reason for them to have a chat. Even if she had originally come to talk to him about herself. There ought to be time to talk about his pain.

Knocking loudly on his door before entering, "S'dric?"

"Are you alright?" She asked, clearly concerned as she made her way over to where her cousin sat. Lance sat down across from him. Making sure he could see her eyes, to know she wasn't going away until he spoke with her.

The light rap at his door caused S'dric to misplace his fingers, the pick in his hand turning out a sound that wasn't quite in tune just then. He hadn't really been expecting anyone, and was a little relieved to find out it was his cousin. Around her, he had gradually learned he didn't have to hide anything; and likewise, she could be free about herself in his presence. 

Eyes turning up to the door, S'dric waved her in with the hand that still held onto the pick, then even as she spoke to inquire about his state of mind, he continued the pizzicato.

Indeed, the Brownrider didn't try to hide his feelings behind the mask of a smile, but breathed deeply to collect himself through all the confusion he was feeling. So, before he paused in his next strum, laying his fingers about the fingerboard of his instrument to mute the sound so that he could better engage her in conversation, S'dric sighed. Just by the way Lance looked at him, and the inflection in her voice, he could tell that she was a little worried about him. "Sorry if I worried you. I haven't been out of my weyr much lately; just been spending a with Seouldric and Nozumie."

Gauging Lance's expression and body language then, he tried to tell if perhaps she too, had been feeling not quite herself. Before he went on though, he motioned for her to go ahead and have a seat nearby and make herself at home. As she was always invited to do. "How have you been handling things since the Flight? It's a lot to take in, isn't it?" 

Honestly, S'dric trusted that N'kyr was a safe Flight Mate who stood on neutral ground with his cousin, which he assumed may have been the reason why he was chosen for her partner in the end; though there were always many reasons for those who were selected as partners in the sky -so really it wasn't fair just to base it on that. However, even with a partner you liked, a Flight was a very strange thing to adjust to. Mating Flights could cause drama outside of the flight weyrs later, but the act itself was an odd thing for many humans. It could be such a bestial and illogical thing, and definitely ultra-sensory. The experience was like no other, and put a lot of riders out of sorts emotionally for the few days after their first time. 

Humans needed that time to let themselves adjust to the new... lifestyle, as it were. Even needed time to justify their actions during the Flight, perhaps. Yes. That was it. Some people just needed feel like they could make sense out of it all.

Lance was not at all surprised that he turned her question and concern around. Sure he had been spending time with his children, she did not doubt that. Why he suddenly felt the need to spend most of his free time with his children was what concerned her.

Also the sad music and the fact that he had been absent everywhere he would normally be around the Weyr were being taken into account as well. So he could make excuses all he wanted but she wasn't fooled. Not for a second. Although when he did change things around and ask about her own experience she knew she came across uncertain and nervous.

She may have allowed a slight coloring to come to her cheeks when he asked after her.

"I'm fine. It is part of being a dragonrider. I'll simply have to get used to it." She shrugged. "If you aren't going to tell me what is bothering you, I'm not saying any more than that." Lance could be stubborn so it wasn't as if it were an empty threat either.

With a smile that was common of him, and a bit of a chuckle, the Brownrider was nodding at her assurances that she'd adjust to it all. And he had no doubts that she would, rather quickly. He just simply found it amusing to think back on all of the changes in lifestyle that having a dragon imposed on a person. It was also amusing to see how it all effected his cousin's own life -and the way she couldn't help but blush now. It wasn't often he got to see her flustered like that.

"I don't doubt you'll be fine. It's just a little embarrassing the first couple of times around. Especially if relationships with the winning riders are very complicated." 

The smile on his face did diminish a little when he thought about her next words. It wasn't that he didn't trust her with his thoughts, it was just painful sometimes, speaking of them. But... it had helped him in the past, being able to speak intimately with Lancielle, knowing that she was not only trustworthy, but would not judge him, and would always be supportive of him. And vice versa of him for her. He appreciated having his cousin at the Weyr, where they were near enough to have such a close friendship. He didn't want to lean on her too heavily though. Lance had her own troubles that had become a big enough burden. S'dric was just glad he'd been able to be there for her and vouch for her on more than one occasion, as she'd been going through her own 'rough spots' in life. 

Chin falling to his chest a bit, his eyes turned down to his instrument, where fingers lay across its neck, gazing idly. "There's no reason for me not to say anything. I just... I guess it never goes away -the hurt. They say that time heals all wounds, but I think that people who can say that... have never experienced any real loss. I've found that when you lose someone you truly love, their absence cannot be filled; and since a void is left there, all you can do is learn to cope with that absence. After you've filled that chasm with enough tears, something like a scar forms over that space -but that part of you can never go back to the way it was before. No matter how much you want it to. No matter how happy or sad you are over that time it takes. That person's absence will always be felt. It will always be visible upon your heart."

A deep breath went from his lips in a gradual sigh as S'dric sat back in his chair then, keeping his instrument in his lap. The expression there upon his features was tight and controlled, as though he were fighting back tears. 

After that breath left him, he grinned again, though a bit sheepishly, while he chuckled through his next words, "You probably know pretty well what I'm talking about, when I say those things.

"The Flight just.. brought back more memories than I anticipated, and brought up a lot of conflicting feelings. I'm sorry I worried you, turning into such a shut-in over the last couple of days."

Considering her options at the time of the flight, there were only two choices which would be uncomplicated and she chose one of them. She had worked with N'kyr and had understood his apprehension during the flight. He was a true holder, much like her family but being a dragonrider had made things more difficult for him. Unlike she did though, he had a choice not to allow Ramirath to fly. It seemed to her he often did hold the Bronze back and it must have been too difficult to keep him out of this past one. She did not pretend to know him that well. She only understood where he was coming from.

Lance did however know her cousin and she knew that he had been dealing with something big. So as he came clean about his feelings, she reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it in support. She understood. Though her wing-mates were not her lovers, she was close to them. They also all drove her crazy. And she missed them all for the very same reasons.

"I don't think the pain is supposed to go away." She sighed.

"I knew the flight was difficult on you. Nicath hasn't attempted to fly anyone since you lost Surine and Ceryth. Don't be too hard on yourself." Lance didn't bring up Tasha just now because she wasn't sure exactly how S'dric felt about pursuing a relationship with her classmate and friend.

"I know you got caught up in it because of me." Lance said, feeling a bit guilty. "You know, you could've let us face it without you." Because she didn't want him in more pain because of her. Besides, Lance knew herself to be strong enough to handle anything; even if handling things meant leaving her emotions off to the side for a while.

The Brownrider was shaking his head, and though Lance had come to place her hand on his shoulder, he still did not look up at her from where he sat. "No. It's not your fault. I promised Nicath that he could fly. I can't hold him back forever. It's unfair to him." 

Even though he stopped for a moment, he went on shaking his head again as he continued, "It's just.. the Flight mixes everything up." S'dric set his instrument on the floor gently beside him then, so that he could lean forward with elbows onto his knees and put his head in his hands. 

"It mixed everything up. All of my feelings. I let the intensity of Nicath's drive get to me. And I shouldn't have." The Brownrider knew however, there was little likeliness of escaping such things during a Mating Flight. "I don't know why I thought I might be protecting her in some way. Like I should have protected Surine, but didn't. I'm such an idiot."

It was obvious after that, that S'dric started losing sight of good reason, his heart and mind giving way to the distress he'd been feeling since the Flight. Or perhaps only now, when it was given this chance of release, had it fully surfaced? The man went on, running his fingers into his hair where his hands supported him still, "I shouldn't have let Nicath get involved. I don't know what to feel now. I'm so confused. I shouldn't feel anything for Tasha, but I.. thought I did. But I don't. I can't. I Just... I had to be alone to think things through, after that."

Where his face was hidden between his hands, a few tears rolled down his cheeks to his chin. As they did, his thoughts seemed to take a bit of a turn; though not completely. "It's hard to be able to continue nurturing somebody, when she's not there. Loving our children more, and caring for them, makes me feel as though I can continue nurturing her, through them. But that's.. that's as close as I'll ever get to her again. Tasha's Flight.. made that very clear to me, yet at the same time, I still reached out to her. Do you know what kind of guilt and hurt that makes me feel?" Words broken by tears that he had an increasingly difficult time controlling, S'dric had now pretty fully expressed the depth of his confusion and hurt. He felt a little sorry for having poured his heart out so plainly like that, but she'd asked, and now it couldn't be helped. Maybe it was just part of being family.

Lance, better than anyone, understood how after a traumatic event that one would have a hard time discerning feelings when placed in a similar situation again. However she also had to wonder why this particular flight would be of more importance to Nicath. If he was concerned for S'dric's reaction he would have held on longer.

"You can not keep blaming yourself for what happened in the past. IF you do, it will eat you up from the inside out." She said, knowing her words to be true and also knowing it was very difficult to face up to the fact that you did everything you could given the circumstances. She could not more go back and bring her classmates alive again than she could pretend that she hadn't exhausted every avenue she knew of to keep them from Betweening.

"Are you sure your emotions were completely wrong?" Lance asked, trying to keep herself from sounding too nosy. Biting her lip a moment, "You know I'm not great at expressing emotion but I kind of got the feeling that you were attracted to Tasha, even before the flight..."

She did see how difficult and confusing it could be especially with his children still there for him to spend time with and then be reminded of their mother. "You need to put away that feeling of guilt for doing something that is perfectly natural for dragonriders. Surine wouldn't want you to be unhappy." She took a moment

The Brownrider wasn't really sure how to respond to his cousin's observations, so S'jiro's head came up, watching her expression for a moment, quietly. Rather, he seemed a little speechless.

Maybe Lance was right, though. Having those kinds of feelings for someone wasn't wrong. In fact, it might be good for him. But wasn't holding those kinds of feelings for another woman similar to betraying his children? For the time being anyway, that's how he felt about it. It was difficult for him to wrap his head around that it was 'okay' to welcome another woman into his life.

Though he didn't want to admit it, Lance was probably also correct to assume that Surine would not have wanted him to go on being unhappy for the rest of his life.

When he spoke up again, his voice rose quietly, words spoken somewhat under his breath, "I have feelings for her?"  S'dric had a hard time owning up to that assumption, continuing to think that it must have been Nicath's feelings influencing his own so strongly. Then again,... a rider's feelings could also greatly influence his dragon's. 

The confusion he'd felt just earlier, returned. The Brownrider dropped his head back into his hands, breathing a deep sigh that calmed the flow of any more tears. He seemed to be deep in contemplation after that.

Contemplative for a while herself, she sat in silence. Eventually, she stopped staring off into space. She had her own issues to deal with but it was much easier to help other people with their problems than to think about her own.

Lance sighed, "S'dric, you don't have to admit it to her. I just ask that you admit it to yourself and acknowledge that it is okay." Obviously she would rather he admitted it to Tasha too but if he needed to wait for a bit then that was fine. Still she thought it would be safe to add, "I was actually talking to her about you before we met up that day."

Her green eyes were watching his expression, waiting to read his emotions if he showed any on his face. "See the thing is I know both of you better than you think. Tasha definitely likes you but you know I think she has been waiting for you to take notice or say something. Personally I'm surprised she didn't have you win her flight. I guess maybe she was afraid you didn't really like her and it was just the flight lust talking..."

Yep, it was much easier to focus on her cousin's troubles. If one could even call them troubles. He had a beautiful woman who wanted to be with him and who was already approved by his cousin. He should be thrilled. At least now he could stop pretending he didn't notice her pretty friends.

Though he didn't respond to his cousin's words right away, it was obvious through his epxression that he wasn't ignoring them. His hands fell away from his face, though elbows still leaned atop either knee, and his face seemed to have cleared of any tears.

As he mulled over what Lance had said, S'dric's breath returned to normal, and somehow, he was able to feel a sense of calm; perhaps a sense of reassurance? Was that it? The Brownrider couldn't quite pinpoint it, but as he took those things into consideration, which Lance had spoken, he felt himself viewing things in a slightly different light. And like a breath of fresh air, after suffocating for so long, S'dric suddenly felt as though some relief could be had.

Turning his head to glance at his cousin quizzically, he was actually a bit flustered to hear that Tasha liked him.

She did?

Well, he'd had girls flirt with him before, but he hadn't generally been the sort to return flirtations. Even before meeting Suiney. He was typically a little shy about those things anyway.


S'dric hesitated before asking how Lance knew, exactly. Had Tasha said something to her? Or was Lance just going off feelings? Wasn't Tasha much younger than he?

Many thoughts bounced about in his mind just then, but none of them escaped him. Instead, he said simply, "I guess... I never thought to think of her in that way." After a pause, he continued, "Are you two going to the Masquerade together?"

Lancelle did not know why she felt the need to get involved in S'dric and Tasha's love lives but she did think someone needed to act, eventually. In all honesty she felt that person should be her cousin. Now she didn't really know how close he came to winning Tasha's flight but she had a feeling Tasha would have wanted him around for at least a good amount of it.

And since she didn't know how close her cousin came to winning, she didn't know what that might mean. All she knew was what she had seen and talked to her friend about. S'dric needed a push and Tasha might need a nudge too. Lance wasn't willing to go into too much detail over S'dric's past weyrmate but she kind of thought that would make things easier for Tasha to understand why S'dric might be confused and unsure of how to pursue another woman.

"We might be going with a group of other friends. You are welcome to join me..." Although, he could always ask Tasha to go with him anyway. He might not be ready for that now though. So if they went with a group maybe he would take the opportunity to talk to Tasha or dance or something.

With a gradual nod that led to thoughts that perhaps the opportunity Lance was trying to give him should be viewed as a welcome one, S'dric smirked faintly. To think that to take her up on the offer would be stepping out of the mournful routine he'd enforced upon himself for so long... in a way it was a relief, but in a way, he had trouble wanting to admit that he could or should do so. 

It took him a moment longer to turn that slight nod into one that agreed to go with her.  "Alright. I think I'll take you up on that."

The Brownrider did sigh quietly to himself after that, and sitting up, placing a hand on his lap, he went on to wonder momentarily just what he was going to wear. The thought didn't remain with him for long though, because he started wondering about Lance's own Flight, then.

"Lance. How did your Maiden Flight go. Would you tell me about it? I didn't hear who you and Raidenth picked."

"Good." She said with a smile. Then she could make sure he at least had a little fun for a change. Nicath would thank her later. And perhaps Tasha too, if things worked out as they should. But she also had to repair what damage she had done and talk to Tasha.

Her cheeks flushed red when he brought up her maiden flight. Not only had Raidenth been a maiden but so had Lance which had brought a whole new level of awkward to her situation at the end of the flight but she had not chosen wrong.

"I guess I wasn't prepared for being so angry toward everyone at the beginning. I expected to act more like Tasha. But I guess that isn't really my style." She paused, "I'm going to go and apologize to Tasha later. It'll at least make me feel better." Hopefully Tasha would understand that what she had said wasn't really meant and it was the flight talking.

"We were alright although I think perhaps I intimidate people a lot..." She shrugged. "Nothing really happened that I couldn't handle." Raidenth had a level head too which helped in situations. "I chose someone who was feeling the same way I was and wouldn't go bragging or make me feel like I was a notch on his belt. I guess that seems silly though."

I mean maybe S'dric would know more about the other riders and their conquests but she had gotten the feeling from N'kyr that she was his first. "Ramirath won..."

S'dric was nodding, glad that his cousin and her Bonded had chosen a Flight Mate that were both, of good character, and would not treat them as she'd suggested: just another conquest to be won. Though, that said, the Brownrider wasn't very intimately familiar with N'kyr, so had no really good idea about the man's deepest personal ambitions. He'd never heard the man divulge such things. Still, by the looks of things, it had worked out for the best.

"It's not silly to say that. There are some Riders who think that way about Flights." Just like there were non-riders who thought that way about women in general. "It's not wrong to have that kind of concern. I guess everyone has to approach Mating Flights in their own way, though. It effects everyone's personal lives a little differently." Which, to him, seemed a little ironic, because they were Riders, and Mating Flights were inevitable. They were also common so, it seemed like it shouldn't be such a big deal; unfortunately, it really could be. 


"Well, I'm glad the experience wasn't too scarring." S'dric grinned at the teasing words, his eyes shining a bit more than they had. "Dragonrider or not, intercourse changes you, and changes relationships, even if you want to think it doesn't. And when it's for the first time, I don't think anyone can say it doesn't make them nervous." For any number of reasons. "Anyway, don't sweat it too much. But... if you need to get any of the details of it off your chest or have questions..." Well... she was free to ask. S'dric and Lance were quite comfortable speaking openly with one another. If she needed him to, he could even share some of his experience with Suiney.

Once he'd said those things, the Brownrider gauged his cousin's reaction to see if her body language could tell him anything more about just how she felt about all of it.

"I think mother gave me THAT discussion before I left for the weyr. Not to worry I was prepared for the part where it changes things. Which is why N'kyr was the perfect choice. We don't really have to talk about any of it with eachother and since he is Holdbred, I doubt he'll be saying anything to his friends about it either. So its all going to work out in my favor." She paused. Yeah the only thing that had bothered her was the fear and uncertainty. However once she gave in to physical desire and joined with her dragon's mentality it wasn't quite as scary.

Still she had always thought she would find someone she knew well to share the experience with rather than someone she barely knew, like N'kyr. But that was her own fault. She had decided not to let anyone close enough to have that sort of relationship with her. Something no doubt, her cousin understood. She wasn't going to condone that behavior though, not when she knew S'dric could be happy again if he took a chance to be.

"I think my pre-flight experience was harder to handle. I hope I don't become cruel every time Raidenth gets flighty." It would encourage more interest from males then trying to kill them.

Chuckling, S'dric tried not to make it seem like he was laughing at her, but did find some humour in the irony that she and Tasha, being best friends, had gotten at eachother's throats practically, at the time of the Flight. But, that was dragon mating for you. Their need to sate that lust was paramount, and could overcome even the most rational of human minds.

"Don't feel too bad about it. Raidenth will get into a cycle for her Flights that you'll learn to anticipate. Then, you can avoid other females a little better at that time, and she won't feel threatened by the presence of another Green about to mate at the same time. That's probably what caused you to react that way, more than anything. It was probably more of her aggression toward Sionnath that you felt, instead of your own expression. Under different circumstances, I bet your reaction would have been different."

With a smile that was a little teasing, the Brownrider hoped that those words would put her mind at ease about it. He knew that deep down, she wasn't the kind of person that wanted to push others away. Just like he in his situation. They'd both lost, and for different reasons, afraid to get close to someone again. But lance was a very passionate person, a very deep and feeling person, or she wouldn't have taken the loss of her classmates so hard.

"Maybe." She said with a shrug. Maybe it would be, maybe it wouldn't. Hopefully she didn't have a strong desire to infuriate males before flying away from them. She might actually end up hurt doing that. Even if Lance could be hot-headed and prone to fights, that was not what she wanted in a mating flight.

"Good thing I don't have a lot of female friends." Which was probably unsurprising given her nature. Men were more laid back. After all before her flight and before Jeneveth's she had managed to get into a fight with another woman who was a friend. She actually blamed herself for setting Belisse off, causing Jeneveth to fly when Belisse was off guard. Though she wasn't exactly upset at the outcome. As long as someone other than Sh'nar won, everything went as it should. Sadly though, her friend was still besotted with the asshole.

"Apparently my mother is concerned. She is sending me a late birthingday present...for the masquerade." It was likely another attempt to get her to meet respectable men. Or any men that could become potential weyrmates. "You guys have it easy..."

The Brownrider was still grinning, but this time with a raised brow as he poked fun at her in his typical, warm, almost brotherly manner, "At least if you scare most of them away, you'll know that the ones still in pursuit are worthy, and probably not in the flight for just another notch on their belt like you were afraid of. I doubt that type would put up as much of a fight. So... maybe it's better that way and we should start practicing your Flight intimidation tactics. You'll just be more prepared next time, so won't have to be as nervous." 

When Lance went on about her mom being worried, the smile he wore faded in slight. "But isn't it her job to worry? Even if you're doing well, she'll do the same thing." He'd have to remember that next time he wrote or saw his aunt that he should tell her not to worry so much. He was here with Lance, and she knew that he would take care of his cousin. It's not like she was at the Weyr alone. Anyway, there'd been progress since the accident, and Lance was now a truly full fledged Rider, that Raidenth had risen for her Maiden Flight. 

Hmmm... Maybe S'dric would have to write to his aunt sooner than later. Maybe right after the Masquerade. Tell her how beautiful Lance was in her dress and then everything that has happened recently, so that she wouldn't have to fret so much.


"What is it that she sent you?" He wanted to hear it from her lips, instead of guessing, though he had an idea of what it might be.

She made a face and clenched her hand into a fist. Aiming to punch S'dric in the arm so that unless he moved out of the way, her fist would connect with his upper right arm. She'd grown up with two brothers, she could handle a little rough housing. But really, S'dric deserved that.

Rolling her eyes, "A gown." What use did she have for a gown? "Wait till you see it..." It had nothing at all to do with her own personal style. If she had it her way, she would show up in her riding leathers, which she supposed was not appropriate. Still why should she be any more uncomfortable than she already would be?

"Just wait, she'll be meddling in your life soon too. Especially if she thinks you aren't, in her words, moving on." Oh yes and Lance would totally help her if he didn't start on this moving on thing, just because it gave her mother something else to focus on.

The Brownrider was laughing, having figured she might react similarly. Still, he let her aim hit on the mark, not flinching away to avoid it; and he didn't mind if she did hit pretty hard for a girl. Though he did feign to shy away from it as she came at him.

"Ohhh, a dress?" S'dric found himself nodding approvingly, though he knew she was not. "Well, it IS supposed to be more of a costume party than a come-as-you-are. I'm sure it will be fitting. No one will recognize you, for that alone." She would be more in disguise than any of the other young ladies present. So to speak. 

"So that you know, I did receive a strange letter with the last courier, myself -from one of our cousins in Telgar. Mahyeul is arriving for a visit with the last caravan of the season, and might stay a while. Maybe we can talk him into going with us?"

S'dric however, knew next to nothing about their cousin, and wasn't sure whether or not the man would have any interest. He only vaguely remembered what he looked like from when they'd last seen eachother as kids. But Lance had been even younger at that time.